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Saturday Humor

November 3, 2018

Nicodemus – it’s not a patch to stop smoking

Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrive on the scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across
her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone.
“Hello, Sarge?”
“Yes.”
“It looks like we have a homicide here.”
“What happened?”
“A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.”
“Have you placed her under arrest?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
‘Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.’
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, ‘Sure. I have this,’ and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, ‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.’
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘I mean, what in the world is this?’
The bank manager looks back at her and says, ‘It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’
(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are.)

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old lady’s pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, “Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.”

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash. They only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.
The priest looks at the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.
The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!”

From → Humor

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