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Laughter, the Best Medicine

December 3, 2017

I thought some humor was needed for today. I’m feeling a bit off so laughter as the best medicine seemed in order. ~ Connie

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. “Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year…and you want to know how I made $80,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.”
“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention? We deliver anywhere…”

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

Professors Define a Kiss:
In math: Two divided by nothing.
In physics: The contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned.
In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
In dentistry: It’s infectious and antiseptic.

John was going around door to door looking for chores to do. He went to this house where an old man lived and the old man had a chore for him. He said he would pay him 50 dollars if he painted his porch in the back. John said OK and got to work. One hour and thirty-two minutes later he came out and told the old man he was done. The old man paid him and as John was walking away he said, “By the way, its not a Porsche…. its a Lincoln.” asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

Teacher comments on the students’ report cards in NYC public school system. (FYI: They were reprimanded):
The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

These comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?’
‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’
‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’
‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.’
‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’

From → Humor

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