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17 Horse Jokes to Tell When You Watch the Kentucky Derby

May 18, 2016

I don’t know when the Kentucky Derby is, but you’ll be ready after reading these jokes. Sorry, some are groaners. Enjoy. ~ Connie

Reader’s Digest By Brandon Specktor

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A: A mechanic

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.

Q: What did the horse say when it fell? A: “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse. “I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born in The Andes where I herded for an entire village. Years later, I joined the mounted police force in New York and helped keep the city clean. And now, I spend my days giving free rides to underprivileged kids here in the country.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the horse’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of such an incredible animal?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

A pony goes to the doctor and tells him, “Doc, I think I’m dying. I have this terrible sore throat.” The doctor assures him, “It’s okay—you’re just a little horse.”

A horse sits down in a movie theater and the woman next to him asks, “Excuse me… are you a horse?” “Why yes, I am,” replies the horse. “What are you doing at this movie?” The horse says, “I really liked the book.”

Q: You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe right beside you, and a lion nipping at your heels. What do you do? A: Get off the carousel and sober up.

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the terrified crowd, “and if my horse ain’t back where I left him when I’m done, I’ll do here what I had to do in Houston.” The locals murmur uneasily as the Desperado sips his drink. Lucky for them all, when he steps outside again his horse has been returned. As the Desperado saddles up, a local can’t help but ask, “Sir, what exactly was it you had to do in Houston?” The Desperado narrows his eyes and hisses at the man, “I had to walk home.”

Q. Where do horses go when they’re sick? A. The horsepital.

Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse? A: A tale of WHOA!

Q: How do you make a small fortune on horse racing? A: Start with a large fortune.

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You  idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!” The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!” —submitted by magician/comedian Penn Jillette. Read more funny people’s favorite jokes here.

Q: Which side of a horse has more hair? A: The outside

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor. The pastor explains, “to make the horse go, you gotta yell, ‘Thank God!’ And to make it stop, yell, ‘Hallelujah.’” The cowboy rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff. Searching his memory, he yells to the horse, “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!” The horse grinds to a stop just at the edge of the cliff. The cowboy wipes the sweat off his forehead. ”Phew!” the cowboy sighs. “Thank God!”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.” The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”

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From → Humor

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