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April 20, 2015

Considering I just celebrated 46 years with my husband–yes, the same one for all those years–I thought I’d share some wedded bliss humor with y’all.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’

She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, ‘I will give you 6 days in jail.’

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, ‘ What is it? ‘

The husband said ‘She also stole a can of peas.’
A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. “There ain’t no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. “What in the world am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go!”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
Then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says ” WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He has her try on three very expensive outfits. “We ‘ll take all three.” Then she gets matching shoes worth $200.
Then they go to the jewelry department and select a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but doesn’t care), and goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says, “But you don’t even play tennis. No, that’s okay, you like it then lets get it.’
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ”
The husband says, “No, no, no, honey, we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”  The wife’s face goes blank. “I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: ‘Nothing.’
Wife: ‘Nothing? You’ve been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
Wife: I feel like I’m falling apart.
Husband: Don’t worry. I’ll pick up the pieces.
Husband: What would you like for your birthday?
Wife: I don’t know, surprise me.
Husband: I have been for years, but you haven’t liked anything I’ve bought. I’ve bought you a bass boat, fishing rods, guns for hunting, and a truck.

Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife:’Yes or no.’

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

From → Humor

  1. LOL Congrats on your marriage, not many ppl stay together that long,

    • Thank you. We’re still trying to figure it out. I’m hoping he makes it to our 50th. His COPD is bad, so it’s going to take God’s grace to get him there.

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